Sap E-Mails

Don’t read these letters on a full stomach… They’re sure to make you wanna barf! Don’t get me wrong… I love romance, but I’m realistic about it. I know that true sentiment and emotion takes time to develop, and, furthermore, these guys who talk endlessly their romantic walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and cuddles in front of a fire aren’t “hopeless romantics.” They’re just HOPELESS!

Sap E-mails: Weird Romance

This fella suffered from what we call “premature e-mail-uation” – aka – hitting send before you’re done writing. It’s very common condition, nothing to be ashamed of… it happens to everyone, but he’s still pretty weird. Ahem. I said I didn’t like sappy meaningless catch phrases, dude. Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 9:42:10 -0700 Subject: […]

Sap E-mails: Lord Call-U-Jackass

Don’t they read the ads? What kind of reaction are they expecting when you write to someone who describes herself as “evil” and “sarcastic” with this sappy mush? From: lordcallubonn@____.com Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 15:56:32 -0700 Subject: Hello..*S* In response to: A Nice Little Evil Person   What would I see if I was to […]

Sap E-mails: Cabin In The Woods

Ooh, baby! I just love these fantasy scenerios! This one is so cheesy… the way he has everything so “June Cleaver” proper — wearing swimsuits and pajamas and stuff. Barf. Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 21:01:40 -0400 Subject: Hi neighbor… In response to: Call Me Miss Kensington   Hi neighbor… where “North of Philly” do you […]

Sap E-Mails: Sir Lame-A-Lot

Perhaps out of context, this doesn’t seem as relevant, but in my ad, I had stressed that “I don’t fall for sappy, meaningless catch phrases, like long walks along the beach and dinners by candlelight.” Come on, guys. If you’re going to respond to an ad, READ IT first! Date: Sun, 19 Sap 1999 19:36:33 […]

Sap E-Mails: Funhouse Fun

Why, oh, why do they have to talk about them! Those candlelit dinners, beaches and moonlight make me ill. Especially here… it’s like it was added as a “chicks will dig this” kind of afterthought. In response to: Call Me Miss KensingtonLet me introduce myself, my name is David. I am 5’9″, caucasian, dark brown hair, […]

Sap E-Mails: Ice Cream Man

Here’s a guy who wrote me twice. I never responded to him, but apparently, he was kinda emotionally involved with my life… just from seeing my picture. Crazzzy! Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 Subject: I want to let you know my dreams about you In response to: Wit and Sarcasm Out The WazooHi precious, you are […]