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Down to a Science
Netfly Alert! This dude's
been writing to so many ads, he has his own tracking system
so if, by some freaky chance of nature, one of the hundreds
actually falls for his bull, he'll be able to figure out who
she is.
Jen: Okay, how old do you think
this guy really is? "Boyish looks 30s"--translates
to about 50s? 40s?
Can you believe
his perfect idea of a date is "candlelit dinner on the
beach followed by a moonlit stroll along the shoreline, waves
crashing, gentle breeze blowing, stars shining."??? I
like smearing myself with mashed peas and eating Dinty Moore
Beef Stew to Xfiles reruns. Btw, how do you think you have
a candlelit dinner on the beach with a breeze blowing? Wouldn't
it blow out the candles?
Lor, he loves
romantic comedies (oh, I'm sorta falling for him now) and
even Dawson's Creek (falling faster) and his fave is Felicity
(boom!). I think he's targeting women aged 18-22. What do
you think? How many late 20somethings and 30somethings really
watch that stuff? And he likes only the most famous actors
everyone's heard of. What a guy. My favorite movie is the
Kentucky Fried Movie (It's funny as shit and not many people
nowadays pay attention to the Zucker Bros.), and in my bedroom
I have a huge poster from the 70s of Zappa. Father Frank,
watch over us all. Doesn't that say a frig of a lot more about
my personality than "I like Star Wars and Mel Gibson
and moonlit walks and romantic comedies and watching Felicity?"
Barf.
Lorina:
Holy
Freaken CRAP! Could it BE any longer? Could he possibly have
copied and pasted any more garbage to send?
I just GOTTA
dissect this sucker...
Subject: explore LA w/pic
Lorina:
So....
where's the pic? I'm sure someone involved in the study
of UFO investigations and egyptology can figure out how
to upload a snapshot to his free server space if he wanted
to send a picture!
Hi Jen!
Lorina:
Unlike
most copy-n-pasters, this one took the time to put your
name & ad on this novel he sent. How considerate of
him!
Since you sound intelligent,
interesting and fun, you might be ready for someone a little
different. :)
Lorina:
This
is what we call "let's butter up the prospective lay."
I am a real-life X-Files investigator
and one of the world's leading experts in UFO research.
Lorina:
Translation:
I think I may have been abducted. The "grays"
visit me in my bedroom. I think anal probes were involved.
The men in black are after me and black helicopters follow
me to work.
I'm also involved in exciting
Egyptology and archaeology research.
Lorina:
Now,
I really dig on Egypt and ancient cultures, but it is mind-numbing
and tedious work. Hardly exciting. Take a size 10 paintbrush
out side and start sweeping at a three inch spot in your
back yard for a few months. Thrilling, isn't it? Methinks
he's watch too much Indiana Jones & Stargate.
I'm looking for a g/f who
can share in ordinary fun as well as undercover adventure,
Lorina:
Puh-leeze.
He wants some Under the Covers adventure. We really get
that you didn't read her ad.
to be a part of something
big -- the visionary and the down-to-earth.
Lorina:
Lemme
guess. He sees himself as the visionary here. Dude... just
because you see visions of spaceships doesn't make you a
VISIONARY.
My idea of a nice romantic
date is candlelit dinner on the beach followed by a moonlit
stroll along the shoreline, waves crashing, gentle breeze
blowing, stars shining.
Lorina:
Granted,
I've only been to the East Coast, but when I think of the
beach at night, I think of mosquitos, dead fish smells,
and jellyfish or possibly hypodermic needles that have washed
up on shore. Not something you want to step on!
I live in the beautiful green
Irvine area (Orange County), work in aerospace/IT and Internet
development, drive a Ford Explorer, jog, workout, listen to
rock & roll, stroll on the beach, play tennis, go to movies,
talk current affairs, look at the stars (majored in astrophysics
at Berkeley).
Lorina:
This
may be the most boring man who has ever lived. He should
trade the Explorer for a Volvo. A Volvo Station Wagon. With
wood trim.
I'm SWM, 5-9, 160, brown hair/eyes,
boyish looks thirty something (photo available). I like romantic
comedies such as You've Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, When
Harry Met Sally, Groundhog Day, There's Something About Mary,
action/adventure movies such as Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star
Wars, The Matrix (plus almost any movie with Harrison Ford,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery, Mel Gibson,
Jim Carrey, Bill Murray, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise).
I like to watch Felicity (my ideal g/f!!!), Dawson's Creek,
Ally McBeal, Friends, JAG, La Femme Nikita, Roswell and X-Files
of course.
Lorina:
Either
this guy is really old and trying to pass as young, hip
and with it, or it's a teenager trying to pose as an adult.
Maybe that's why he's so boyish looking -- he is a boy!
The job & SUV seem like the kind of stuff a teenager
would think is exciting.
Picture
him in tenth grade... "Today, class, we are going to
study Egyptology."
"Wow...
cool word. I bet that would impress Felicity."
I like laughing and getting
plain silly with friends. I'm a friend who is there when you
need him, a shoulder to cry on, but also someone who can share
his feelings. I always let you know how I am at any given
moment, no guesswork. For those who love mystery, though,
I have that too, but I can't tell you now can I? :)
Lorina:
It's
the amazing Presto-Chango Boy! One minute he will tell you
everything and share his feelings, the next, it will all
be secretive!
And I think you would agree
that a male-female relationship without sex and passion is
like food without flavor or spice. :)
Lorina:
Uhh...
yeah. Once again... we see you didn't read the ad, dumbass.
"Look, I made a cute little smiley face to prove I'm
really a swell guy!"
I write science articles for
magazines (my article exposé of a Roswell UFO is now
reprinted in a book), am working on books too. I like to be
on the cutting edge of things. (I'm in the planning stages
of the world's first archaeological excavation at the Red
Sea in Egypt to try to find the true history behind Spielberg's
Prince of Egypt -- Moses and the Exodus).
Lorina:
Sure
thing, Walter Mitty. We believe you.
Think of me as agent Mulder
looking for his Scully to be his partner.
Lorina:
Think
of him as a dork, and us as people laughing at him.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Take care,
Brad
PS: BTW, my letter is like
my personal profile or ad so please don't be put off on that
account! :) You can also reach me by E-mail at: RB47expert@___.com
Lorina:
Why
doesn't this lazy ass just post his own freakin' ad already!
If he's SOOO boyishly handsome, and has SOOO much going
for him, wouldn't he have more luck with an ad than responding
to the ones that don't apply to him???
PPS: Please tell me your AD
HEADLINE, CITY, HEIGHT, etc., when you respond as I have NO
IDEA WHO YOU ARE without the AD
Lorina:
Gee...
nothing like telling a girl you're writing to EVERY-FREAKING-ONE!
Uhh... maybe if you'd write a personal response to just
a couple of girls, you might not need to blanket the entire
data-base with your big old FISH NET!
-- ads usually don't even
give NAMES (so please tell me!). Classifieds2000 says it's
"anonymous" but this gets ridiculous.
Lorina:
Right...
cuz EVERYONE wants EVERYONE to know who they are! Maybe
we should post their addresss and social security number
too! Bub... it's weirdos like YOU that make people want
to do stuff anonymously!
PPS: Here is something (below)
you might enjoy, make you laugh. Let me know which of these
suggestions you'd like to try out! :)
(Ed. Note:
There was more! As if he didn't already say enough... he attached
a zillion and one cheesy email jokes and forwards..)
Lorina:
OH,
SPARE ME ALREADY! THis guys e-mail took longer to download
than most PICTURES I send!
Remember, you can reach me
directly, by E-mail at _____@__.com
(Ed. Note:
He also included a pasted version of Jen's ENTIRE AD... Yup,
the whole page, listing her stats, her ad, and even the links
on the bottom of the page!)
Jen: You know, I'm almost tempted
to have us write back to him without (of course) our ad info
and pretend we're someone else.
Lorina:
At
first I thought by his title that HE had a pic to share, but
i's probably his *super secret* way of coding the many e-mails
he sends. A sumary of YOUR title, and that you had a picture.
So if you write him back by just clicking reply, and not changing
the subject, he'll have an inkling who you are, even if you
don't include your ad info. He's a sly one, alright...
I don't know
which is more pathetic... His antics or that I understand
them so well.
Jen: You know, I didn't consider
the subject header at all. Good for you for probing his hidden
reasoning. In some ways, I can't blame him, just because if
you end up even responding to two people, it can be confusing--Are
you the guy with the pet chimpanzees who likes to hula dance
or are you the amateur skydiver who wets his pants? But the
thing that says this guy is writing to far more than just
one or two gals online is that he wrote 'w/pic'...as if he
couldn't remember the 'explore LA' gal had a pic online. Hmmm.
Lorina:
I
love how he had your entire ad copied in there as well. This
guy is really thorough! He has it down to a science.
The sad part
is that he probably hasn't had enough responses to warrant
his tracking system.
When I had
ads and responded to a few, I just kept the COPY message that
Classifieds2000 sends you. But then again, if he writes to
everyone like I think he does, he's mailbox would be full
in no time flat.
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