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Richard...
I call him Dick
Here's
a disgusting guy.... I like to call him Dick... and not because
his name is Richard. Just one of the many who think he's something
special cuz he wants to boink me. I wrote to him to tell him
he's icky, and he actually wrote back! (a month later!) Here's
all the exchanges...
Lorina:
Naturally,
I'm more than a little peaved that this guy implies that there's
something wrong with ME for not seeking a sexual relationship.
Sorry, I'm not a slut. Here's what I wrote to him:
Date:
Thu, 9 Sep 1999 07:03:09 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: I am curious
Hello
Rich. I am just curious too. I am curious why you would
write to me, when there is an adults only section to this
classifieds? Why don't you look for someone who is interested
in this sort of thing? What makes you think you are special
because you want to have sex? If all I wanted was sex, I
would have no problem whatsoever finding a man who can fill
that need. And most of all, what is a "long hour of
making love?" Do you mean hour long? Or are your hours
longer than sixty minutes? Or does it just seem longer because
you are so boring? And trust me... an hour is nothing.
Life
is boring if I have someone write to me, who cannot even
put together an intelligent thought, probably because he
is typing with one hand and pleasuring himself with the
other. Just go to a porn site already. No one is impressed
with you. If fact, I have forwarded your response to my
friends and we have all enjoyed making fun of you.
So,
a month later, Richie wrote back. This guy is so frickin'
dense that he thought we were making fun of the way he talked
because he's a foreigner. Honestly, I had no clue. I've seen
worse "broken English" from Americans. But I digresss...
I
did not want to write to you again for obvious reason. But
I want to learn a few things about you.
Lorina:
Translation: No one else has ever responded to anything I
ever wrote.
First,
I appology for sending you the first email. I think that I
have misunderstood your ad or I read a different one and picked
your email address by mistake.
Lorina:
Yeah, I know how confusing it is... you read an ad, and it
has a button that says "send message," you type
a message and send it, a copy arrives in your mailbox... Sooo
easy to write to someone by mistake!
If
you mean the pros, first I am scared of all deseases and second
I only make love with someone who actually enjoys it herself.
I had never have sex with a pro in my life and I will not
try.
Lorina:
No, I didn't mean look to a pro... except professional counseling...
what I meant was, why doesn't this dumbass look for a wh*re...
a slut... a strumpet... a floozy... a girl who wants to get
banged indiscriminately...
I
made a mistake here, it should be something like " lasting
for hours" or "many hours session", not just
one hour. I did not have a chance to try for my record, but
the last time I had sex with my lover, I had to stop because
the 4 hours at the motel was up and my lover had to go home.
Lorina:
Oh, now THAT'S romantic!!!!!!! Screwing in a motel... Yeah,
I wanna git me some of that!
I
am sure I can last for may more hours if I want to. Someday
I may have a chance to go for the limit of my "endurance
test".
Lorina:
Why?? Hey, I enjoy shagging as much as the next person, but...
4 HOURS? Naw... I don't think so. See my comments below...
For
your info, English is the 4th language for me, thus the above
mistake could have been avoided if I wrote to you in my native
language or in German, the second language I had learned through
my undergrad. I never have time for English class, and learn
it myself through writing and speaking, thus there is always
room for improvement. That is one of the reason I am writing
you again because it is painful to get a lesson like this
one and it will be tough for me to repeat the same mistake
in the future.
Lorina:
Uh... glad to be of service... Dumbass... I wasn't making
fun of you because of your broken English, it was because
you're a disgusting pig!
Hopefully
I can cheer you up. NO I AM NOT THAT DESPARATE.
Lorina:
This guy is so desperate he is trying to bust a move on someone
totally repulsed by him.
I
have a partner and occationally we make love, it is just toooooooo
shoooort and not much fun for me because it takes time for
me to actually enjoy it.
Lorina:
<---- insert short penis joke here ---->
NO
IF I ever GO TO A PORN SITE, I am no longer myself. I need
a partner who know how to please me with her magic touch and
her desire.
Lorina:
Something tells me this guy really needs a hobby, or therapy.
He just puts WAY too much importance on sex.
I
hope that you forward this one to them as well. They can share
their thought with me if they want.
Lorina:
ok, so he's so desperate, he wants all of YOU too!
By
the way, because I have all but a good sex partner, does not
mean I am a bad guy to make fun of. You said that one hour
is nothing for you, did you or your friends have a sex session
lasting 4 hours or until you ask your partner to stop because
you were too tired. That is an experience you deserve in life.
Lorina:
This does not sound like a pleasant experience... that's like
saying, "You haven't enjoyed a meal unless you ate til
you puked!" Yuck... I hate these people who need to spout
off their fantasies....
Take
care and good luck in your search for your man.
Lorina:
I hate this too... Like I'm on some all-out man-hunt or something...
Like that chicken Miss Prissy from the Warner Bros Cartoons...
"A MA-YAAAN!!!"
Hope
to hear from you. Rich
Lorina:
I don't think so, Dick.
Fritz:
I think I'm starting to go soft. I am beginning to feel bad
about making fun of aliens, uh I mean foreigners. I need a
good stiff drink, then I'll be back to that normal "obnoxious
bastard" that everyone knows and loves.
Four
hours?! I've had relationships that were shorter than that!
What do those aliens know about sex that I don't?
the
above mistake could have been avoided if I wrote to you in
my native language or in German
Fritz:
If German is his second language, what is his first? Sign?
Binary? Braille? Pig Latin? This guy knows 4 languages..now,
while that it very impressive, I can't seem to get the mental
image of C3PO out of my head.
the
last time I had sex with my lover, I had to stop because the
4 hours at the motel was up
Fritz:
He went to a motel that has hourly rates? Not only that, but
he paid for 4 hours in advance. Not a whole night, but just
4 hours! Then he has the balls to say he has never been with
a professional. Whatever, Habib, we can see right through
your turban.
did
you or your friends have a sex session lasting 4 hours or
until you ask your partner to stop because you were too tired.
Fritz:
Groucho Marx was once quoted as saying, "I love my cigar,
but I take it out once in a while." I think that might
apply in this situation. After about an hour, it's time for
some Gatorade! Then maybe a bowl of cereal...see what's on
ESPN...brush my teeth...then dive back in. Sheesh...ya gotta
pace yerself or you'll drop-freaking-dead! I don't know any
chicks that WANT a guy to expire on her while he's "gettin'
the job done" Ok...I feel better now. Thanks.
Cindy:
I gotta comment on this guy...
I
did not want to write to you again for obvious reason. But
I want to learn a few things about you.
Cindy:
Spoken in a Paula Poundstone voice...."Ehhhhhhhhh....I
didn't WANT to, I HAD to...." I must agree that poor
Habib doesn't get many responses...and he had to take advantage
of chatting w/ a cute, wiley gal....and besides...THIS IS
FREE! He's not paying $2.99 per minute on phone sex...or risking
getting his penis stuck in the "9"....or worse,
renting his "room to go" on the hourly basis...You,
Miss L. - Are a "Bah-Gahn" (bargain!)
First,
I appology for sending you the first email. I think that I
have misunderstood your ad or I read a different one and picked
your email address by mistake.
Cindy:
Lame, lame, lame.....lame on you...No excuse required here,
Bub, esp. one this lame...But then again, what's he going
to say: Pardon me for being Leud It's been a while since I
got screwed My response was sick and corny But I'm a wet-back
who's really horny!
If
you mean the pros, first I am scared of all deseases and second
I only make love with someone who actually enjoys it herself.
I had never have sex with a pro in my life and I will not
try.
Cindy:
Pro what? Pro football players, Pro Lifers? Pro-grammers?
Pro-geria victims? Pro-zac takers? Or can it be that Pro means...(gasp)
Prostitutues! Gimma a break...he's probably worn his MAC card
thin with the Pros...only they probably weren't really good...they
were probably second string...If the guy can't afford a room
for the whole night...do ya think he can afford a really good
hooker?
Now
here's the line that gags me:
I
only make love with someone who actually enjoys it herself
Cindy:
Make LOVE...gimma a freaking break...I vow, here and forever,
to never EVER say make LOVE...It's so damn squishy-sappy-ecky...I
dig SEX! Nasty, dirty, sweaty, howl at the moon SEX! It's
nasty and fun , and it's supposed to be! When they say this
(make love), all I can think about is our fav "Simpsons"
with the medicated, nucleated Monty Burns...."I bring
you LUV"...
I
made a mistake here, it should be something like " lasting
for hours" or "many hours session", not just
one hour. I did not have a chance to try for my record, but
the last time I had sex with my lover, I had to stop because
the 4 hours at the motel was up and my lover had to go home.
I am sure I can last for may more hours if I want to. Someday
I may have a chance to go for the limit of my "endurance
test".
Cindy:
Habib's just asking for it here...Why doesn't he just give
up? Why oh, why? I can't even imagine what the deal is here
- getting a room by the hour? guess that's the disadvantage
of living in a small town, or going on vacation and staying
in a 4 star hotel...ya gotta stay the whole night... dammit...
Imagine this...Ya check in with your suitcase and say, "ya
know, I'm not really tired, I'll just need a brief nap...how
about....oh....ya let me have the hospitality suite for an
hour or so....I'll even make the bed when I'm done!"
Lorina:
Ok, here's something we may have overlooked... Not ONLY is
this guy a total sex fiend, but he's ALREADY seeing someone!
Yeah, sleep around... great way to avoid those "deseases!"
And
what's the dillio with him complaining it's too short? Isn't
the time span usually determined by the guy's... uh... stamina?
Unless this girl just has an egg timer on her nightstand,
and when it "bings"... "Ok, everybody off..
ride's over!"
For
your info, English is the 4th language for me, thus the above
mistake could have been avoided if I wrote to you in my native
language or in German, the second language I had learned through
my undergrad. I never have time for English class, and learn
it myself through writing and speaking, thus there is always
room for improvement. That is one of the reason I am writing
you again because it is painful to get a lesson like this
one and it will be tough for me to repeat the same mistake
in the future.
Cindy:
Ah pain, the great educator! I don't this Habib has learned
his lesson and I'm thinking he may even end up being a repeat
offender....And....What is his "native tongue"??
What's the secret to his true identity?
By
the way, because I have all but a good sex partner, does not
mean I am a bad guy to make fun of.
Cindy:
Almost too easy here...Habib, you are right...you are not
a bad guy to make fun of...you are a good guy to make fun
of!
You
said that one hour is nothing for you, did you or your friends
have a sex session lasting 4 hours or until you ask your partner
to stop because you were too tired. That is an experience
you deserve in life.
Cindy:
Ok...here's my latest analogy on SEX...These jerks rant and
rave about how good they are, how big they are, how many hours
it takes...blah, blah, blah......To me, sex is like going
for a ride...Sure, I like going for a ride...maybe because
I have a nice Spyder convertible...an excellent CD player
& tons of great tunes...and enough cash to fill the tank
when ever I want... BUT...that doesn't mean I'd enjoy going
for a ride in a '77 Pinto, or a school bus...or even a nice
car....without a radio...or no air-conditioner...or just the
basics...Ya gotta have GAS in you tank....Catch my drift?
It's not just the ride....It's the mode of transportation
that makes all the difference baby...otherwise... You're on
a Road to Nowhere...(tiny Talkin' Heads tribute here...)
Lorina:
Doesn't that guy have a job or anything? Who *could* devote
THAT much time to shaggin'? 24 hours in a day... Let's say...
7 (give or take) hours for sleep... about 1.5 hours to get
ready for work... 8 hours at work... an average of 1 hour
for commute to and from work... eating various meals: another
1.5 hours... That leaves 6 hours of "free time,"
during which I have to take care of the cat, watch a little
tv, talk to my sissy poo, call Mom so she doesn't worry about
me, attempt to do a little housework, mess around with various
creative projects (websites, painting, etc.), write to friends,
do important stuff like paint my toenails odd colors, and
that big time eater -- make fun of wankers. If I added this
guy to my schedule... that would only leave 2 hours... and
I think I'd need that just to clean up, rehydrate my body,
and rub my achey muscles with Ben Gay.
Just
a few more things:
Fritz:
I think I'm starting to go soft.
Lorina:
What is: the words girls most hate to hear in bed. I'll take
stupid dick jokes for $200, Alex. (You KNOW I couldn't let
that one slip!)
Fritz:
Four hours?! I've had relationships that were shorter than
that! What do those aliens know about sex that I don't?
Lorina:
Apparently, this alien doesn't know much about human to human
sex... or he'd know if it's any good, she wouldn't beg him
to stop. Seriously, this guy *must* have some kind of physical
problem to need that amount of time to "enjoy" it.
FOUR hours... I was tired after TALKING to Fritz for four
hours and there was no... cardiovascular activities involved.
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